This is the question I’ve been asked more than any other in the last few months. It’s an understandable one. And I suppose I could respond to that question by detailing the many different things that have occurred in the last 5 months since I left my position at Peace Prez. But the better response (b/c it is both simpler and shorter) is I’ve been growing in grace.

The God of the universe has continually allowed me to wander and to try to figure out things on my own. He has patiently waited for His prodigal son’s nostrils to become singed with the tainted combination of pig slop and pride.
My confident pursuits have become weary journeys. My self-righteous declarations have become withered whimpers. My proud heart has been broken – again and again. My self-sustaining security has been overthrown and replaced by financial fret. But the Father has remained faithful – even while His wayward son wandered.

So much has changed in the last five months. What hasn’t changed is this reality: My Savior still pursues me no matter what I do or say or think. He is faithful and true and loves with a love that is often inconceivable to my feeble mind. My heart has been heavy and soiled by many things in 2011 but also miraculously healed by the One who pursues me. And so we journey on with new perspectives and a deeper love for His glory, His people, and His mission.

I look forward to sharing with you in the days and weeks to come the specifics of how He has worked in my life in and through the pain. I look forward to introducing you to new loves and new plans and a new church but for now – it’s best I start with the simplest but most concrete way I can answer your concern about what’s been going on with Todd –

“His grace is sufficient for me (and you) for His power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

My compassionate and wise pastor’s wisdom that day helped move me forward and has been used by God again this week to propel me on in this journey He has called me to take with Him.  ”You better quickly understand what I’m saying to you, Todd.  Is your life and ministry going to be about the messenger or the message?”  Oh, to be 21 again.  I recall that moment once more and remember immediately getting it.

What my young, immature mind was able to accept that day was this:  I was an ambassador – called by the King to deliver a specific message to others.  The message would be good news to some and an affront to others.  And those who opposed the King would indeed want to shoot the messenger at times.  If the messenger was more important than the message, I would quickly surrender my duties as an ambassador and seek to live a more obscure existence among the scoffers.  But if I treasured the message more than myself, I would face any amount of peril to make sure it was delivered.

I was reminded again this morning of this counsel as I read the apostle Paul’s instruction to the church in Corinth.  The message and the messenger are both going to be seen as foolish by the majority of people in this world – just as it once was to me.  I should never expect a kind response from those who are hostile to the King.  This would include both the unregenerate whose hearts are incapable of receiving the truth apart from the Spirit’s work and the unrepentant brother whose heart has become hardened by unconfessed sin.

I recall even now the first gruesome scene in the movie The Gladiator as a galloping horse returns a headless messenger back to the Roman general.  Their response could not have been more clear: The call to surrender has been rejected.  We’ll never be ruled by your emperor.  This is the natural state of the human heart.  I should never expect the human heart to eagerly submit to the gospel.  Instead, I should be joyfully surprised each time the ears of the deaf are opened to hear and believe and be spared.

This is my life.  The King of kings and Lord of lords has a message to deliver to the kingdom of man.  It is a call to surrender.  The heart of man has no desire to submit to his Creator.  The question I must consistently ponder as I continue to speak on behalf of my Savior is this:  Who do I desire to please more – man or God?  Do I continue to speak the truth in love and face the potential rejection of those I cherish?  Or do I leave that task behind for someone else and find more favor in my fellow man?

What’s more important – the message or the messenger?

My pastor posed this question to me and the others in my church this past Sunday morning.  I suppose it’s one of the more important questions to contemplate in life for the answer (and my response to it) can have a significant impact on my life and the lives of those around me.  I’ve spent the better part of the last 20 years dissecting the hearts and minds of teenagers.  While I’ve done so in an attempt to better understand them and thus, better minister to them, I’ve been more times than not left dealing with my own intentions and motivations.  The question “who am I?” (and the many that come attached to it, “what is my purpose?”, “what am I attempting to find satisfaction in?”, “who is my God?”, etc.) has often waltzed into my own home, settled in, and confronted me.  And one of the truths that has confronted me of late is simply this:

I may not know myself nearly as well as I think I do.

We feel quite confident that we have a handle on who we are, right?  We’ve taken our personality profiles, we know our love language, and we can articulate our weaknesses and strengths, our wants and needs quite easily.  But what really drives us?  I was counseling a friend recently about this very subject and walked away conversing with my own heart.  Am I really in touch with what or who is driving me to act in the ways that I act?   I consistently minister to students who have convinced themselves that they are someone they are not because they have been unable to come to grips with the reality of their fallen state.  Let me give you a quick example to help you understand what I mean.

A student begins to invest in a group of peers who he, on prior occasions, has identified as being worldly and godless.  When asked what intentions he has for his investment in such people, he is quick to say, “that I might have an impact”. Every parent would be proud of that answer – if such an answer is actually legitimate.  If I move beyond the Sunday School 101 answer and ask an additional question or two, the two of us will many times discover that his good intention isn’t actually all that good.  His heart’s deepest desire is to be accepted by the most popular kids in school.  His desire to have an impact (though often legitimate to a good degree) is not the driving force behind his motivations and choices.  I would even say this:  His desire to have an impact is something his mind has created to appease his selfish heart’s longing.  He, however, has become convinced that his ultimate goal really is to have an impact and so his investment is a worthwhile one.  It matters not that his appetites for the LORD are decreasing and his appetites for the world are increasing.  He remains convinced that his decisions are legitimately selfless and good.  He very well may spend the next five months of his life living his life practically no different from an atheist but internally he remains convinced that he is having a positive impact and that his motives remain pure – when in fact, they are the very fuel that feeds his selfish desires.

And he remains in that condition simply because he has been unable to grasp the true nature of his heart.

So, how do we begin to grasp the reality of our hearts and their tendency to blind us to our true intentions?  I’m not sure, especially as I deal with my own selfish intentions and motivations and appetites, that I have the answer to that question.  I’m sure it lies somewhere in the arms of Jesus.  I’m sure it has a lot to do with being able to fully believe that His love is as profound and deep as the Word says it is;  that I am accepted in spite of my sins and that His grace has freed me from the burden of guilt and the secrecy of shame.  I suppose it’s about getting the gospel.  I mean really getting the gospel to the point that it changes how you believe God views you and allowing it to free you to the point that you can honestly say, “this is who I am?  These are the desires of my heart.  But praise God, He loves me in spite of me.”

Here’s hoping your eyes are being opened more and more to the reality of your own heart and the love that conquers such depravity.

God bless – Todd

With this in mind, I must admit a fair amount of frustration with those who play an instrument, or multiple instruments, with ease and show little desire to use it in worship.  Can there be a greater way to express one’s sincere appreciation for the gift than to use the gift to bring glory to the Giver?  I can’t imagine there is.

In revealing my frustration, I don’t mean to imply that I think those who are musically gifted must write songs solely about Jesus or play only in Christian bands.  There are multiple ways that one’s talents can be used to glorify the Lord and there are many ways that do not fall into a religious context.  But I do believe that worship should be at the top of the list for believers who have been gifted in this way and I do feel like we should seek excellence when we do lead others in worship.

I’ve been made aware of brothers young and old who will spend hours and days practicing for performances at secular venues (which they should – remember, I’m not denying excellence in what we do).  Yet, they feel satisfied to throw a worship session together at the last minute.  Some brothers would be incredibly frustrated and humiliated by performances at secular venues filled with sloppy transitions, flat vocals, and lackadaisical instrumentals but easily move past similar results during worship sessions.  Why is this?  Why do some put so much emphasis on music that places the attention of the audience on the performers and so little on music that focuses the audience on Jesus?

“For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”  (Matthew 5:20)

As I stated yesterday, others believe that statements such as these from Jesus were efforts to help His audience to understand their need for a righteousness that only He could provide.  A righteousness that exceeds that of the religious leaders of their day would have seemed quite impossible to His listeners and this is exactly what the Lord wanted them to conclude.

And I stated yesterday that I agreed with this.  But I also believe that Jesus is honestly saying to those would be disciples that there is a different kind of righteousness that God is looking for His elect to display.  I don’t believe we should assume that Christ is informing His audience that they can never produce works of righteousness.  Instead, He is informing them that God is expecting a form of righteousness far different than that of the Pharisees.

I fear that we have adopted an easy-believism in the Western church today that is empty of any obedience and holiness.  Some claim that Jesus is all the righteousness we need and therefore, in passages such as these when it appears as though Jesus or Paul or James or John or Peter or Jude are asking their audiences to do something, they are merely asking them to look to Jesus who has already done all that needs to be done.  We throw up the banner of “once saved, always saved” and allow ourselves to become quite comfortable and confident in our pagan lifestyles because of our beliefs.

I believe Jesus is implying that the perfect righteousness God requires can only be found in Him.  We must have the righteousness of Christ imputed to us.  But I also believe that He is saying such faith in Christ will also produce in us a visible righteousness that the world is able to take note of.  In the second chapter of his epistle, James makes it clear that mere belief that does not in turn produce righteous works is no better than the damned faith of demons:

“What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works?  Can that faith save him?…faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.  But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.”  Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.  You believe that God is one; you do well.  Even the demons believe – and shudder!”  (James 2:14, 17-19)

Throughout the gospels we are going to see the Lord calling those seeking to follow Him to a radical lifestyle that is set apart for the advancement of His kingdom.  To miss this reality and only state that Jesus’ demand for righteousness is only a demand to look to the righteousness that He has provided is not only biblically misplaced but dangerous.  Biblically misplaced because of passages such as James 2, Ephesians 2:10, and Matthew 5:16 (just a very tiny sample).  And dangerous because we cause others to find comfort in lifestyles that have no appearance of the regenerate lifestyles of the elect as put forth by Christ and the other NT writers.

We are to look to Jesus for the righteousness He has provided and look to Jesus for the righteousness He is providing through the powerful presence of Holy Spirit at work in our hearts.  The righteousness of the truly regenerate will look far different than the righteousness of the unregenerate religious.  How?

It looks different b/c it comes from a heart that has concluded that there is no righteous work that we can produce that will ever be pleasing to God.  It looks different b/c it is produced from a heart that is trusting and believing (a living faith) that only Jesus’ imputed righteousness can make me right before God and only the working of the Holy Spirit can produce an ever increasing righteousness in my life on this earth.  The good works produced are not from me but from Him.  My humbled heart, aware of His great love for me and the sacrificial death of Christ on my behalf, is fully dependent upon Him to produce righteousness and is also quick to glorify Him when He does.

The righteousness of the Pharisees was fueled by a selfish heart.  The righteousness of the elect is fueled by a regenerated heart.  The righteousness of the Pharisees was the dutiful responses of hearts determined to earn God’s favor.  The righteousness of the elect is a devoted overflow of hearts that love God because He first loved them.  The righteousness of the Pharisees put God in their debt (or so they believed).  The righteousness of the elect is the natural production of obedience from hearts that have been humbled by the reality of what God has done through Christ and changed by the power of the Holy Spirit and God’s powerful word.

New hearts.  New appetites.  New motives.  New fruit.  All a result of the regenerating work of the Holy Spirit and all evidence of power of God to provide such.

“For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”  (Matthew 5:20)

If we read the sermon on the mount (Matthew 5-7), it becomes evident early and throughout that the Lord is attempting to shake up things.  He threatens to undermine the interpretations of Israel’s religious leadership and pave a new path of radical discipleship.  He dives into a culture that has been led by teachers who have a tremendous passion for God’s law but little appetite for God; a religious community that believes God is in their debt because of their obedience to God’s commands.  Indeed, they have added many additional commandments to God’s own in an attempt to further prove their worth to God.

Some suggest in this particular verse that Jesus is helping the people understand that attempting to please God by working for Him is impossible  (see Matthew 19:16-26).  I agree with such an assessment and passages like Ephesians 2:8-9 would certainly confirm such an interpretation:

“For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

The glorious and radical message of the gospel is that God has done everything.  We must come to recognize that God requires perfection and any attempt in our own flesh to please Him is a futile one.  Jesus’ statement that any attempt at pleasing God must exceed that of the Pharisees had to be very difficult for his audience to grasp.  These teachers of the law were the men who were closest to God; far more consistent in their righteous rituals than the rest of the populous.  Jesus seems to be asking for more than they can offer.  And He was.  Jesus was laying the foundation for an important truth to be hammered in by the apostles after his death and resurrection:  that God both demands perfection and provides a perfect sacrifice.

Why is this such a tough word for us today?  It is because we live in a self-sustaining world.  In America, we are proud of our independent nature and our ability to find our way out of every difficult circumstance that life throws our way.  We hail those who are able to take responsibility for their own actions and think little of those who irresponsibly live out their lives in dependence upon those around them.  Our culture asks us to prove our worth daily:  on the job, in our relationships, in the classroom, on the athletic field, and throughout the other various venues we find ourselves.

To come to God empty handed seems rather irresponsible and childish.  It is an insult to our humanistic age.  It seems rather demeaning to consider that I have nothing to offer God.  Surely, I have more to offer him than those dancing naked around the fire in some far off land.  Surely, I have more to offer him than the prostitute strung out on heroine.  How can you say I have nothing to offer?

This message is tough because I must come to conclude that my righteousness can never exceed that of the Pharisees unless my righteousness is found in Christ alone.  Unless the righteousness of Christ is imputed to me, through no effort of my own to bring it about, I am found wanting before the holy God of the universe.  My best efforts are like filthy rags (literally used menstrual garments) before God (Isaiah 64:6) and I will either be clothed with the righteousness of Christ and be declared righteous by God or stand condemned in my own futile attempts to make things right with Him.

And what I believe is an even more difficult truth from this particular passage is that I don’t believe Jesus is talking about just His righteous sacrificial offering.  I think He is saying that those who are truly redeemed will produce a righteousness themselves that must exceed that of the religious leaders of Israel.  And this is the righteousness that is outwardly exhibited in those who have been clothed with the righteousness of Christ and have been possessed by the Holy Spirit.

It’s a far different kind of righteousness than what the Pharisees were producing.  But we’ll look more into these things tomorrow.

Cling to Jesus.

“The human race in the course of time has taken the liberty of softening and softening Christianity until at last we have contrived to make it exactly the opposite of what it is in the New Testament.”

I’ve been reading a significant amount of material of late and listening to a number of sermons from various authors and teachers that fully agree with Kierkegaard’s thoughts.  I’ve also been shown real life examples in my modern day world of individuals and churches who are taking Christ’s call to discipleship seriously and having a glorious impact on their communities and world.  This is my hope as I begin to throw out this seed.  May the Lord cause it to grow and bring forth great fruit in your lives and in the lives of those you pass it along to.

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”  (Matthew 4:19)

Doesn’t seem like a very tough word, does it?  And I suppose it doesn’t feel like such to our westernized version of Christianity because we’ve settled into a different concept of what it means to follow Jesus.  The concept of following Jesus these days is identifying with Him by praying a prayer, giving Him a token response, and turning to Him again when the waters get a little choppy and the boat is beginning to take on water.  But the early church had a completely different view of what it meant to be a follower of Jesus Christ and this is what I hope to bring out in this series of blogs.

How many of you refer to yourself as being a follower of Jesus Christ?  Or a disciple of Jesus Christ?  I find that the word we most often use to describe our relationship with Jesus is believer.  Consider even the significance of this (how we normally identify ourselves): According to the dictionary, believe – means to “accept something as true”.  Follow, on the other hand, means to “go or come after” or to “move or travel behind”.  One is naturally more passive than the other.  The essence of what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ for many of us is in what we believe rather than in who we follow.  What we believe is incredibly important but the Bible says that who we willingly follow is even more significant.

“..Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.  You believe that there is one God.  Good!  Even the demons believe that – and shudder.”  (James 2:18)

I entitled this post “why God did not spare Haiti” in hopes that it might cause some of you enough discomfort to read the blog.  My hope was such because I suspect that most people in the world, including most Christians, would have some difficulty with me “blaming” God for what took place in Haiti.  When natural disasters strike the earth, we tend to fall into two camps: First, there are many who turn against the notion of God altogether and proclaim that such events clearly indicate that He cannot exist.  ”If God is good and God is great then the persistence of evil and the death of the innocent clearly indicates that there is no God,” they say.  Secondly, there are those who eagerly try to protect God and remove Him from the scene.  ”Because God is good and God is great and because He loves people so much, there is no way that He could ever have anything to do with something that took the life of so many,” they state.

There is much to say in defense of the biblical teaching that God is sovereign over all of creation, over all of nature, and over every breath that comes in and out of His creatures [Daniel 2:20; 4:17; Proverbs 21:1; Psalm 2:2-4; Psalm 33:10-11; 135:5-7; 148:7; Job 1 & 2; 42:11; 1 Peter 3:17; Deuteronomy 32:39; James 4:13-16; Mark 4:39].  But I’ll simply allow these verses to defend such for now.  There is also much to say in response to, what I believe, are 2 erroneous responses given above.  To adequately respond to such would take a large amount of space and words that blogs do not allow.  And so, I’ll send you to a more in-depth resource to study if you so desire to look deeper into these things.  [http://www.desiringgod.org/media/pdf/books_bssg/books_bssg.pdf]

For now, I feel I need to give answer to the title of the blog, “Why God did not spare Haiti”:

1) God did not spare Haiti because He is a holy God and is just and true.  God is in control and He justly deems what is right and good and true to do and does it.  The creature has no right to question the Creator’s divine will.  (see the Lord’s long response to Job’s similar doubts – Job 38-41).

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?  Tell me, if you have understanding.”

We too often see what takes place in Haiti and squirm because God would dare bring harm to His beloved humans.  Such a view indicates that we have far too high a view of humanity and to low a view of God – one of the true curses of being born in the 21st century Western world.  As sinful beings, we deserve nothing but death.  That God’s grace allows Haitians, or North Carolinians for that matter, to continue to live in direct rebellion against His perfect law is the real mystery.  We’re asking ourselves, “why Haiti?”.  We should be asking ourselves, “why not me?”  Sadly, our humanistic society has placed man at the center of worship and, therefore, man struggles with any harm he encounters because of this distorted view of reality.  But God does not exist to serve man.

2) God did not spare Haiti because He loves the Haitian people. We live in darkness – blinded by our fleshly appetites, enslaved by worldly vices, and comforted by deceptive security.  Apart from God penetrating into our rebellious condition and enlightening us to see our need of Him (see 2 Cor. 4:4-6), we all are certain to die not once but twice.  The second death (Revelation 20:14) awaits all those who refuse to turn from their wickedness and trust Christ alone for their salvation.  And God’s voice is able to be heard much more clearly in our most painful circumstances.  C.S. Lewis reminds us,

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pain:  it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

He desires that the people of Haiti turn from their wickedness, repent of their sins, and experience the abundant life that only Christ can offer (John 10:10) and thus He willingly subjects them to tremendous pain and suffering – that they might turn their hearts to Christ.

3) God did not spare Haiti because He loves the rest of the planet.  This is not just about Haiti any more than 9/11 was only about America.  On 9/11 God was saying the same thing to Europe, Africa, and beyond that He was trying to get through to us:  ”Repent and turn to me or you also will likewise perish” (see Luke 13:1-4).  The sudden nature of a terrorist attack or an earthquake are meant to cause all the world to examine the fragile nature of their lives and to take stock in who or what they’re living for.  They are meant to stir us into falling on our faces and turning to the only One who can save us and extend mercy and forgiveness to us.

4) God did not spare Haiti in order to bring glory to His Son.  Jesus is magnified through the death and suffering in Haiti in many ways.  First and foremost, we are reminded of His own suffering and death.  We are reminded that the God of the universe suffered, bled, and died that we may no longer live our lives for our own selfish pursuits but for Him.  He alone deserves to be worshipped.  He alone deserves our adoration and praise.  Secondly, suffering around the globe gives opportunity for Jesus to be magnified through His people.  As His chosen ones extend themselves, sacrifice their resources and time, and in His Name love those who are suffering, hearts are turned to the Savior.  Finally, suffering gives those who are suffering the opportunity to proclaim to the rest of the world, “take my possessions, my loved ones, and everything this earth has to offer me.  I still have Jesus and so my heart will rejoice for I treasure Him most.”  (see Philippians 1:21; Galatians 2:20)

We must begin to see God’s sovereign purposes in suffering, examine our hearts and our lives, repent of our own sinful rebellion, suffer in such a way that Christ is magnified as the one Treasure of our lives, and respond to the suffering around us by offering the love of Christ to those in need.

I recently came across this quote from Joel Osteen, best-selling author of the book Your Best Life Now and pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, TX.

“I’m not called to explain every minute facet of Scripture or to expound on deep theological doctrines or disputes that don’t touch where people live.  My gift is to encourage, to challenge, and to inspire.”

Hmmmm.  Have I pointed out that Osteen’s church meets in an arena that seats 16,000 people and that each week 40,000 people come to hear him speak?  Have I shared that, according to Nielsen Media Research, Osteen is the most watched inspirational figure in America each week?  That his sermons are viewed in every television market in America and watched by 7 million people every week and viewed in over 100 nations around the world every week?  That he will be speaking at Dodger stadium in April of this year?  That Your Best Life Now sat on the NY Time’s bestseller list for more than 2 years and has sold more than 4 million copies to date?   That Barbara Walters named him one of the 10 most influential people in 2006 and Church Report Magazine named him their most influential Christian in the same year?

I could write pages on why I believe the prosperity gospel is simply a man-centered way of turning God into the benevolent genie-in-the-sky we all want Him to be.   But, I’ll just take issue today with a man who represents God, weekly speaks on God’s behalf to millions across the world, and produces a best-selling book under the guise that God is speaking through him – a man of God who confesses he is no theologian (one who studies the nature of God) or is concerned with the “minute facets of Scripture”.  Seriously? Pastor Osteen stands in front of millions around the world every single week and isn’t concerned about who God really is or what God has to say.

I suppose if the one message you’ve got sells out arenas and sells best-selling books and allows you to live in a 5000 square foot house in one of Houston’s most luxurious neighborhoods – then why dig any deeper?  After all, trying to discover who God is or what God wants or what the Bible in its totality has to say might cause you to stumble across God saying things like, “it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” [Matthew 19:24] or “whom have I in heaven but you?  and earth has nothing i desire besides you” [Psalm 73:25] or “in this world you will have trouble” [John 16:33] or “now I rejoice in my sufferings” [Colossians 1:24].

Tertullian once wrote, “the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church.”  When we look at this in light of Christ’s ministry and John 12:24 – “…unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.  But if it dies, it produces many seeds” – it seems to me to indicate that God’s plan from the beginning has been that life would come from suffering and death;  that Christ’s death produced life for those He redeemed and those He redeemed are to sacrifice their lives in order to produce life in this world.  For two thousand years, the kingdom has grown as the genuine faith of suffering saints was being put on display to a lost world.   The world observed that these persecuted ones treasured Christ above all things.  And now, a new kingdom grows on the expanding wallets of prosperous saints whose eyes are still fixated on the treasures of this earth.

What kingdom is this?  And who does it belong to?

I sat stunned.  Attempting to muster words was a bit difficult and I still to this day regret my response.  I simply laughed.  A small suppressed giggle quickly became a full-blown-knee-slapping-I-feel-like-my-ribs-are-broken roar of laughter.  Now she was stunned.  She quickly reached for her purse, grabbed my office door, and slammed it on the way out.  Sadly, she would avoid contact and communication with me for the last 7 months of my tenure.  Sadder still – we barely saw her son after that point.

Her son Billy (the names are being disguised for obvious reasons) had begun to fall in love with Jesus.  Quite honestly – I’ve seldom been witness to such a dramatic transformation.   Billy was, in every sense of the word, a superstar on his high school campus.  Handsome, athletic, funny, and smart are pretty favorable marks for the judges that make up the all important peer competition committee.  He was living the American dream.  Billy was juggling a beautiful girlfriend, a sport each season, a difficult academic load, various extracurricular school involvements, and an occasional church commitment with remarkable consistency and fervor.  Who knew he was dying inside.

Billy had surprised me, and others, with his acceptance of my personal invite to our summer youth retreat  between his junior and senior year of high school.  Youth group was probably the only place Billy’s star did not shine.  He had largely neglected his peers at church – attending Sunday School fairly regularly but little more than that.  He would later admit that he had always viewed this group as a collection of social misfits and high school rejects and had little desire to taint his image by including them in his life.  That and his schedule simply wouldn’t allow it.  So, his  willingness to come was both stunning and incredibly exciting.  I prayed for this kid and this retreat with a renewed sense of passion.  I sensed God had to be doing something if Billy was willing to lower himself to join us for a week at the beach.

And the Lord was.  It took less than 24 hours for Billy’s magnetic personality to cause the students to rally around him.  It wasn’t clear at first whether Billy was getting anything out of the talks but enjoying those around him was most definitely not a problem.  It wouldn’t be until the last night of our trip that I discovered Billy had been paying attention to God for quite a while.  We had finished our final session by taking a realistic look at how Christ suffered during the passion.  Many of the kids and adults were moved to tears.  The expression on Billy’s face led me to believe that I had lost him in the end.  He seemed bothered by the emotions surrounding him and unmoved by the message of the cross.

I could not have been more wrong.  The kids had long dispersed and headed for their final night on the beach and I sat alone on the steps of the cottage – trying to still my heart long enough to embrace the Lord in the first quiet moment I had been blessed with since my arrival 6 days earlier.  I soon saw a figure walking towards me from the beach and was quickly  able to tell by the athletic gait that it was Billy.  ”Oh, great, he’s clearly had enough.  Here we go,” I briefly thought to myself.  And then it happened.

“Todd, do you mind if I talk to you?” came from a trembling voice that was clearly lacking the boldness and confidence it had carried throughout the week.  Billy would spend the next hour pouring out his heart and revealing an emptiness inside that no one else could see.  He had been living his life to please his parents, girlfriend, coaches, teachers, and peers and the constant demands of such had left him wanting something more.  And he had found that something this week – not merely in the fellowship of believers but in Christ himself.  ”I just realized this week that my entire existence is being lived for Billy or for others and not Christ.  I just want to be free from all this other stuff and live my life like this.  I want to spend time with these guys everyday and hear you talk about Jesus everyday and read my bible every morning and…” his words had begun to produce tears now and as I placed my hand on his shoulder, he began to sob.  Several minutes passed before he was able to gain control of his tongue and his heaving lungs produced, “Jesus has done so much for me and I’m able to somehow ignore him and love everything else but him.”

I prayed with Billy that night and counseled him further on what life could look like back home if he seized the opportunity to live the radical life Christ had called him to live at home, school, church, and in his community.  I remember driving back home and looking in the rearview mirror at his beaming face in the back row of the van and having to fight back the tears as I considered the work of the gospel of grace in his heart.  I was so excited to get home and to pour more and more into Billy and watch him impact his world for Jesus Christ throughout his senior year.

A month had gone by when his mother knocked on my door and asked if she could speak with me.  I had been expecting her visit and anticipating a joyful email from her for quite a while.  I should have known better.  ”Todd, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.  I really do appreciate all that you’re trying to do for Billy,”  her trembling voice began.  She would spend the next several minutes explaining how she and her husband were simply concerned that Billy was beginning to lose his focus and “throwing his life away”.  Yep.  I don’t remember many of her words verbatim but that line has stuck with me throughout the years.  She further explained how Billy’s decision to end things with his girlfriend, cut down on some of his extracurricular involvements at school, and not play baseball in the spring had been “unsettling” for the family and that while they believed Jesus and church and such were obviously very important, “to just up and leave the rest of his life behind seems irresponsible and Jesus wouldn’t want that, would He?”.

She shared more but my mind had rudely gone to other places.  This was my first real encounter with something I would come to experience on numerous occasions in my 20 years of youth ministry – parents producing and maintaining idols in their kid’s lives.  Billy’s parents were determined for their son to be successful and popular.  And his social status in the world had become more important to her and her husband than the Lord they claimed to serve.  I don’t remember if she said something funny that caused my heart to laugh uncontrollably at her.  I know it was rude.  I know I now regret it.  I wish instead I would have simply cared for her and shared with her the many times in the gospels in which Jesus calls his disciples to leave all and follow Him.  Maybe Matthew 10:37 would have been appropriate, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me…”.

I only laughed.  She stormed out of my office.  Her husband wrote me a stern rebuke.  And Billy faded into the sunset of the American dream.  I sat in my office yesterday thinking about Billy and whether his adult years had distanced him enough from the idols of his parents that his passionate pursuit of Christ had been able to take place.  Or if he, too, had settled in and was simply adding another stone to the castle walls in his own kingdom.